I'm not here to tell you we've got it all figured out. We're just about two weeks into this and honestly? I'm still learning and giving myself some grace. But I've already seen enough to know we're not going back.

Since I moved out of baby daddy's home I started noticing Sebastian immediately started having some intense mood swings and meltdowns. Generally it led to him lashing out at me, pinching me or just having a lot of emotions he didn't know how to express. I figured it would die down as he got older and adjusted to the two households, but almost 2 years later and we've had the same issue come up with daycares. We've had a couple different daycares, some good and some bad (story for another time) but the same thing has gone on consistently...the emotions are big and they're expressed in big big ways. 

There's hair pulling, pinching, hyperventilating and just pure meltdowns. The concern for emotional regulation has always been there, hence my last post on our morning affirmations and prayers, but it wasn't till recently that I was just at my wits end. A lot of things were being thrown at us as parents and, as a mom, the typical solution is...blaming yourself. 

After one of Sebastian's teachers brought up his meltdown, inquiring on what could be causing it, my brain just started working 100 miles a minute looking for anything that might help. Then it hit me, something I've been silently stressing over...his diet.

I remembered a friend mentioning last year about how her nephew also seemed to express things the same way or have unexpected meltdowns. Their parents changed his diet to remove a lot of processed items and focused on organic, whole foods...and the change was noticeable. It wasn't the first time I was thinking about my son's diet. I was struggling everyday to think of things that kept him eating and not bored. I was so focused on "simple" daycare friendly meals that, if I'm honest, I started settling for a lot of processed and packaged food items. 

I was adding more to my plate by meal prepping for my week, but was leaving my son to eat dino nuggets, crackers, pouches and anything that could easily be popped into the microwave. Not only was it causing me MORE anxiety for the extra work-load, but it really wasn't giving the nutrients he needed...and the added junky ingredients were the cherry on top. 

I genuinly thought reducing my cooking or packing him different foods than what we ate at home would reduce my mental load. It didn't...It just moved the chaos somewhere else, into his behavior and my stress about it. 

 Being a mom is beautiful and a gift that is unexplainable...but it's also a emotionally hard and exhausting journey. At the beginning of my journey as a mom I felt as if I was often failing or there was something wrong with the way I did things. I never felt like I was showing up as the best mom I could possibly be and that was killing me inside. Once I knew for a fact that my journey as a mom was just me and my son together it gave me such a release and peace just flooded me. It was the permission I needed to do motherhood on my terms, rather than someone else's. It was the acceptance I needed to know motherhood was whatever I made it to be and I was going to take it a day at a time. 

I gave myself the grace I didn't know I needed. You need to give yourself grace mommas! Even motherhood with a significant other is rough, probably a little more than my own journey sometimes. We show up everyday (even when the kids are not with us), we give it all we have, we do everything while running on empty...chugging along to the next pit-stop. GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE! Use these low moments to take your strength from God, lean into Him. There's something beautiful that happens when we do that. God transforms our view and even through the exhaustion we just see beauty and hope.

This honestly should have been the first thing I included into our habits, but as per usual the things we should be doing end up being forgotten until we have no other solution. Of course I pray on my own time and during my devotionals; but I hadn't really included Sebastian in prayer time until a few weeks ago. I came to the realization that I wanted him to learn to pray but also to know that prayer can heal and help with everything we're feeling. So every night we put our hands together and he repeats after me the prayer I say...with him on occasion leading whatever beautiful thing comes out of his mouth. It is the most precious thing I've witnessed and brings so much joy in my heart because there will now be random moments when he just decides to say a prayer on his own. 

I have also added in prayers to our morning drive to school. Repeating a few affirmations or positive words and ending it with a prayer seems to set him up for success. It's as if he's understanding the words he's repeating and starting the day believing it's already going to be so much fun. A few of things we'll say (in spanish) : Today is going to be a good day, we will be nice to our friends, we will be nice to our teachers, we will not hit our friends, when we get angry we will breathe. From there we begin our (in spanish) Father God prayers. 

One thing I have noticed is a change in myself as well. Doing the nightly prayers with him reminds me to add in my own prayers and keep Christ at the forefront. Saying our morning prayers together also starts my day off right and sets Jesus as the first thing for the morning before starting work. It reminds me to let Him lead and I love that my son gets to see and learn this too! Through this we're inviting God into our spiritual home and giving Him our emotions. We're letting Him lead us in how to regulate and learning to let go of it because God's got it.

Isn't it amazing how no matter how old we get we are still learning how to react, how to let go of the emotions rather than letting them lead us. I have been trying to learn this my entire life and I think I've learned more in the last year teaching my son than I have reading any self-help book. I've found my journey back to Christ has also been led through Sebastian, wanting him to have a foundation and know who Christ is. Children really are the most amazing teachers. I never expected to use the tools I gave him help me in my everyday life. These five key habits have been teaching me to slow down, to be patient (not my favorite topic) and allows me to be even more aware of my own emotions. 

It's not a perfect journey, but it's one all the same. Some days are easier than others, but the point is we continue to try and we continue to learn. I'm growing alongside my son, I'm learning how to lead rather than be led by whatever I'm feeling. I'm learning it's ok to not have it all figured out as a mom. I'm learning that the small, consistent moments and habits are what make the biggest difference. My son is looking at me to guide him, and I want to make sure that what I show is something I want him to emulate in his own life. So I encourage to try some of the habits with us, see what a difference they'll make in your life. Don't be afraid of the silence, let's go back to some of the old hobbies we used to love, go outside and take in the fresh air...SAY A PRAYER! 

This is so much more than just "managing our emotions" this is about building something deeper and setting a foundation that will last and not crack at the first whack this world takes at us and our kids. So take a breathe and try it out! Let me know how it goes.