I know this might sound unpopular, but I don't actually enjoy being the strong independent woman all the time. I don't enjoy being the one to make all the decisions or the one who has to have everything carried on their shoulders. I crave for more than that. I crave for a traditional family home. I long to be the wife and mom who creates the warmth home environment, but who has the safety of someone else to carry the load.

I desire someone leading, but most importantly someone who desires to lead their family into a better future. If I'm honest...I never actually dreamed of being the "boss"...which is probably why I resist every time I hear my leaders wanting to make me a manager or director. From the moment I was a child I always dreamt of being a wife and a mom. It wasn't like most girls where they envision their wedding day, what their dress would be or their color scheme. I just thought about the home I would build with someone, how many kids we would have, that driving to sports and schools, the home-baking. I vaguely remember being in my room and playing pretend on my husband coming home and feeding the kids.

It's not to say I don't enjoy working or that I'm not good at leading. I do feel God has called me to lead in some instances and has called me to always put my best at what I do. I also understand times are different and my current situation is different...it requires the need to be the strong and independent woman I am today; but it doesn't mean I crave for the softer feminine side of myself to finally come out and blossom.

The Desire That Never Left

As a child I was surrounded by beautiful marriages and relationships that sought to serve the Lord together. I was mesmerized by the beauty of two people coming together and loving each other, always working together for a purpose and equal goal. I grew up in the church and so this was my constant view and I knew that I wanted something like that one day. I wanted someone to work with on my walk, someone to work with for our future, to build something beautiful. I never thought the desire was something to be ashamed of, in fact even as a teen and early college student I found people my age encouraged that desire; they hoped with me and for me (even when they couldn't hope for themselves).

I stuck to the verse Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself int he Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

But somewhere on the journey of life, stepping more into the world during college times and traveling more, I started to falter on that hope. I started to believe that maybe that desire for myself was something that just wouldn't come to be. It was as if the outside world was slowly crushing that faith of having the partnership and family life. My desire never left, but I felt it had to be tucked away to avoid either the shame or others or the pain of not receiving it.

When Life Didn't Turn Out How You Expected

Losing that hope and hiding the desire is what led to my current situation. When you start to believe that you don't deserve better or have the ability for better you settle for anything. Anything that temporarily fills the role of the desire you have. As most know, I am now a single mom...but if we're being honest I don't think I was ever anything but a single mom. I was a single mom living with someone, trying to create a false version of the dream I had. I kept trying to save a relationship that really never existed to begin with. Life wasn't going in anyway how I planned it or dream of this version of my life. I reached for anything I could get a hold of, til the realization finally came that there wasn't anything to grab onto but Jesus.

Once I accepted that my life moving forward would be me and my son, I also accepted that I couldn't navigate life on my own. I had tried doing things my way for almost 5 years and it led me down a lonely and very scary road. Life was not turning out how I expected at all, and whenever I tried to redirect things would just get worse. From that my faith creeped back in; I gave it all up to God and released control (of course I'm human and this is a daily task).

I love the verse: Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-" vs 26 "you will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you;"

Success Doesn't Cancel Calling

Throughout my entire working career I've always succeeded in ways I didn't really expect. I've had everyone around me tell me what a great worker I was, how they saw more for my future in whatever career/job I was at in that moment. And don't get me wrong, I didn't mind hearing any of that, it felt good to know that I was achieving things and my work was paying off in some ways. But even through the promotions and the work success, I still felt something was missing. Even now when I mention it to some friends it feels as if it's a ridiculous notion to want the life partner and family that I always felt called for. It's as if all the work I put in my personal life and career should be enough..."why would you crave that?" is the voice that always echoes.

But here's the thing...God can bless your work AND still call you to home. The Proverbs 31 woman worked hard in her duties, she managed finances, she bought land, she works hard physically AND she manages a household, she supports her husband and leads her children. Just because God has blessed me in my current situation or has allowed me to excel in where I am does not mean the desire for a committed relationship just disappears. So why do I feel so ashamed by it?

The Hidden Grief of Carrying It All Alone

Genesis 2:18 "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him."

God always intended companionship in our lives, He planted that desire in us. He also made me the independent woman I am, with the mental strength and "boss-like" mindset I have. But a woman is tired...

Tired of everything falling on my shoulders, tired of journeying through life alone, tired of being the responsible one all the time. It's exhausting! And I know I'm not alone in this! I know there are single ladies out there with no children who know exactly what I'm talking about. We're tired of being the caretaker, we want someone to care for us and allow us to lay everything down when we walk through the door after a long day. We want someone to tell us they've got it, they'll pick up the weight we've been carrying, they won't let us do it alone anymore.

That isn't something to be shamed about. It's a beautiful and holy gift to want that.

If I Still Desire It, God Hasn't Forgotten It

Clearly the calling hasn't gone away, it's there hidden behind old boxes of memories and lives lived. But in the last year I've been dusting it off, slowly opening it back up and smiling at the beauty of it. The beauty in the dream and longing. The hope is starting to revive again.

See...if it never disappeared then God hasn't taken it away. And if He hasn't taken it away, it means He hasn't forgotten. Maybe this is His way of reawakening it fully in me again, and inviting me to fully trust Him with it this time around. To allow Him to work things in His timing, rather than my own. To trust that He is working, that He wouldn't give me something that wouldn't come to pass.

As a parent I wouldn't dangle something in my son's face to only take it away before he's had a chance to embrace it. So why would I think God would do that to me?

Luke 11: 11-13 "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I know and trust that when the time is right, He will make it happen in the most beautiful and unexpected way. I'm so grateful I am where I am right now, that He's brought me out of so much darkness in the last couple years. Standing where I am today I see God has answered so many prayers I used to whisper in the middle of the night. So I know He's working. I know this is just another journey of surrendering all to Him and watching his beautiful hands take control and create something magical.

If you're in the same boat as me, struggling with the desire, wondering why you feel like God's forgotten about you when you see everyone around you living a life you so desperately yearn for. Trust me, He sees you, He hears you and if you just give it back to Him and put him in the driver seat I know He will gift us in the best way. And when that said gift arrives in our lives I know he'll be the addition God knew me and my son needed.