As I type this it is now September 1st and we have completed one month in the new apartment and one month of co-parenting. If I could sum up what I’ve felt the most throughout this it’s the feeling of returning home to myself and returning home to Jesus, two things that have brought me peace amid confusion.
I hadn’t realized it, but for the last two or three years it’s felt like I was in a heavy fog. Navigating your first pregnancy and child can do that to anyone, but then add in the unexpectedness of it as well as the “situationship” I was in, well…the heaviness intensified.
I thought moving into the apartment, having my son for most of the week, along with some days fully without him would take some adjusting. I thought there would still be moments of me grieving this life I never had or my son would miss out on. But honestly, it’s been one of the happiest months I’ve had in a very long time.
It has truly felt like I’ve walked out of the fog and everything around me is now clear. My eyes can focus better on what’s ahead of me and what really matters during this time.
Coming back to myself, but not just myself….coming back to myself with Jesus has given me a new sense of hope I hadn’t seen in a long time. I have hope for myself and my son, hope for our future. It’s allowed me to take the time to work on what matters, to work on creating a future that I can see for us.
I know this is just the first month; I know there’ll be more challenges to come navigating the co-parenting world. But I also know that I’m not alone on this journey. I haven’t felt alone since the night I finally gave it all back up to God and decided his way would probably be ten times better and easier than mine; the last few years of my life being the perfect example.
Of course, I miss my son when he’s gone, my heart still worries and wonders if he’s safe when he’s not with me. But I also have two simple days where I can take the time to refocus, recenter myself, and allow my mind to rest. Something I was never able to do in my previous situation. Having the chance to do those things has allowed me to be able to enjoy motherhood even more. I feel more present for my son and the moments we have together.
And as I mentioned, I’ve felt more hope and possibilities for our future. Possibility for love, for a home, and so many dreams I never gave myself the chance to have. It’s strange how those moments you finally feel like you can catch your breath, usually come after some of the darkest moments in your life.
So if you’re going through one of those moments right now, trust and believe you’ll make it out. Put the weight down, allow yourself to breathe, and let God handle the rest. When you’re finally out of your fog, you’ll be able to see things in a way you never had before. The past, the present, and the future will all make sense…at least a little bit more than before. And if you need a little prayer, just say the word…I think we could all use a little praying friend.
Simply Naty 